All the stuffed emotions came out with sobs and tears this morning while I was praying. I didn't even realize till now that I was overwhelmed with all these emotions.
I thought I was dealing with things pretty good nowadays, considering the circumstances. I didn't even feel the need to share about Caleb so much, not knowing what to share, thinking nothing new was happening. Whenever people asked about Caleb, my answers were always the same. "Oh, he is doing better" I got out of touch with my emotions so much for the past few weeks, but I grew more and more irritable, negative, and impatient. Looking back, my heart was so burdened with things that it was sending warning signals.
These are the things that I realized today; I still feel very helpless whenever I see Caleb having seizures. It's like a very dark cloud suddenly hovering over my head, like a sucker punch in the stomach. I worry about not being the mom that Caleb needs. When I see the babies, or even pictures of babies who are sitting up by themselves holding something with their hands, it reminds me (many times with pangs) that those are the things that Caleb would be doing if he developed normally. I mentally decided not to be bothered by them, but I found out that my emotions didn't comply to that decision at all.
On top of that, I worry if Caleb will struggle with the fact that he is adopted, feeling insecure or sad... This is a whole new subject that I can talk more about later...
But in reality, Caleb is really doing better overall. Compared to a month ago, we can see the difference in him. He is way more curious, alert, and responsive. He smiles more, he wiggles a lot more, too. So those things are what I am supposed to think about, and be thankful for, and I am. But there are things that are undeniably there, too, that come out unexpectedly to stab my heart.
In spite of it all, I still know that God has a special plan for Caleb, and I hope I can do my part well to be the good supporter needed to fulfill that special plan. To do that, I need to let out my emotions freely sometimes, like today, so that I can be refreshed and again 'take it one day at a time'..
